Rosie

This is Rosie. Last weekend, my boss went out of town, leaving me the responsibility of taking Rosie up to his sister's house in Logan. It's about an hour and a half drive and she always breathes her nasty dog breath in my face so I never really look forward to these trips, but being paid to drive a dog around isn't that bad. It should be noted that Rosie is getting old. Like as in really old in dog years. I'm pretty sure she's almost 13 or something. So I have to lift her into and out of the truck and stuff.

Well, I went up to John's house to get her for the trip, and I'm calling her name and she isn't coming. I'm looking all over the house and she is no where to be found. I look outside and no sign of her out there either. I'm just about to call John when I go into the master bedroom and there she is: laying on the floor motionless with her mouth hanging open and eyes closed. From the moment I saw her I knew it wasn't good. I call her name, nothing. I snap my fingers in front of her face, nada. She's unresponsive. So I did what I do whenever I'm in an awkward situation: I get Jeff involved. I figured if I needed to come up with a good story or someone to help me bury the body, Jeff would have my back. So I'm on the phone with him, trying to sort this out when John calls. I hang up with Jeff, and answer.

John: "How's it going, Jake?"
Me: "Uh, it's going..."
John: "Is everything okay?"
Me: "Um... I think so."
John: "What's going on?
Me: "I think your dog is dead."
John: (long pause) "Are you sure?"
Me: (after recounting the condition I found her in) "She isn't even breathing that I can see."
John: "Did you clap your hands really loud?"
Me: "Uh, no...???" (thinking to myself: "What the heck difference does that make?! Does she need an intro to get off the floor?")
John: "She's deaf so try that."

It would have been REALLY nice to know that freaking dog is DEAF before I went in and thought she was dead. I clapped my hands "really loud" like he said and she hops right up like she's back from the dead and nothing is wrong! I'm still not convinced she's all there, though, because she walked around a bit then plopped back on the floor and wouldn't get up. After cursing her under my breath and telling her, "Rosie! Get off the ground! Stand up!" I ended up carrying her out into the truck.

The rest of the drive consisted of: "Rosie! Sit down!" or "Rosie! Stop breathing on me!" and "Rosie! Eat your pills!" It was a long drive, but I got here there. Surprisingly, she was still alive when I went to pick her up on Monday. The ride back wasn't as bad, except that she had rancid gas. It was horrible. Hopefully, John doesn't take another vacation for a while.